Sunday, September 9, 2012

These Four Walls

Lately, I feel like I am living inside the same four walls. The walls are gray, they are hospital walls. Decorated with pictures from the ones I treasure most... My little sisters. The pictures make it seem like the walls are not closing in as fast. Bright colors of pink and orange and blue surround me and take me back to my adolescent years. A time when I wished I was "all-grown-up," but now that I am growing up it seems like it is going too fast. These are the times I look at my little sisters and wish I could go back. Back to innocence, when the only worry in the world was whether or not someone was going to take my favorite toy. 

Growing is fun, but when you have Cystic Fibrosis it is also very scary because as you get older, you become sicker... Lung function starts to decrease, organs start to fail, and spirits start to dwindle. You try so hard to keep up with everyday life and you want so much to be "normal," but when you try to do these things, sometimes, you forget how important it is to still take care of your health. CF does not give vacations and it does not take breaks. It is a constant struggle to stay healthy. 

Being chronically ill, I have a lot of dreams and wishes that I know there is a strong possibility that I won't see these dreams or wishes come true, but there are two wishes that I want more than anything. One of them, I know, is out of my control; that is to have a child of my own. However, the second one, still sort of out of my control, is a little bit closer to potentially becoming a reality; that is to marry the man I love. There is not a single thing I want more than to be with him until the day comes when I am no longer able to sustain life...

Other than my family and very close friends, there is no other human being I love more than Justin. He is always here for me, no matter how angry I make him. No matter how hard it gets seeing me in and out of the hospital and Emergency Room. No matter how many tears are shed or how many bitter words are said, he has never left my side. He is my strength and my world. And  there is not a single thing I want more than to be his wife. <3 I love you, Justin!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

As if breathlessness wasn't enough...

I never realized how much I take for granted the simple ability to walk. Or the option to get up and move whenever I please. However, that is not the case anymore...

The past five days have been the longest days of my life. I did not think it was possible to be in such unbearable pain, but I was very wrong. I did not know how much I valued using my own two legs without the help of a wheelchair or someone else supporting me... 

As the pain continues, my fears grow. My dreams of finishing school and living a some what normal life have to be put on the back burner as I struggle to do the daily functions of a "normal" person. The few most important things in my life are nearly all being tore away from my grasp once again; school, my dreams of becoming a Veterinary Technician are being threatened as I cannot make my classes and work, my hopes of gaining on-the-job experience doing something I love while going to school has been postponed as I am struggling to stay out of the hospital and ER. 

If there was one thing in this world that could help me with accomplishing my dreams and making them become a true reality, there is no doubt in my mind that I would jump at the opportunity. However, there actually is one thing that is pushing me to succeed through everything, but also harnessing me when I become too defiant and non compliant with the things I need to do to hopefully continue on this path that I call my dreams.

That thing is actually a person. A very special person... This is the man that I wake up to every morning and the man I fall asleep with every night. This man is my inspiration... My strength. And my world. There is NEVER a doubt in my mind as to whether or not he will be by my side or whether or not he loves me. He will and he does. 

(Medical update: I have a clinic appointment tomorrow morning with Dr. Williams at the U of MN. This was NOT a planned appointment. However, due to recent health issues the CF team and I thought it be best to be seen down there as the local hospital/clinic has not been helpful. I have been having extreme back pain these past five days with numbness, tingling, and weakness in my legs, nausea, headaches, and dizziness and as of today overall body weakness. It has been quite difficult to walk any sort of distance. Whether it be just out my bedroom door and into the bathroom located to the immediate left, which cannot be more then 12 steps. The narcotic pain medications I have been prescribed have not helped causing three emergency room visits within the last three days. 
I am not concerned about this being CF-related, but I am worried about the effects it is having on my Cystic Fibrosis status as I have been unable to vest for the last four days due to intense, debilitating pain.) 

I am praying we find some answers tomorrow at clinic. And that I can overcome the current and future obstacles. Thank you everyone who is keeping me in their thoughts and prayers! It means so much and helps me push through the problems and work towards a solution. <3

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Not Your Average Junkie...

I am sitting here at home craving one thing most people don't even give a single thought to most of their lives. I'm craving oxygen. While most of you live your entire life breathing with ease, I struggle for every breath. And accompanying every short, choppy, O2 deficient breath is a pain you could never imagine. Sure there's the physical kind, but I'm talking about the deeper kind... The mental kind. It's a kind of pain that is not thought about often by people who don't have some kind of terminal illness or know somebody with one. The pain of realizing one day I will leave behind my family and friends. The pain of knowing that time could come at any moment. And that moment is one that will come way too soon. It is a deep hurt. One that is terrifying. I am not terrified for myself, but for everyone I will leave behind. For my parents... the thought that they may one day be the ones to bury their child. For my siblings... knowing I will not be there to celebrate their next birthday. For my friends... hoping they will always remember how much I cared about putting a smile on their faces. 

This pain is sometimes very hard to cope with. And it may be misinterpreted as anger or "bitchiness" or sadness. I may seem distant or rude at times without realizing it. When in all reality I would usually do ANYTHING to make someone else smile. I feel like I have not been myself lately. I have been seemingly distant, crabby, and angry. There are times when the only thing I feel like doing is crying. I try not to let it get me down, but when I work so hard at trying to keep my health stable and all I do is decline I come to a point were I just feel like I want to give up and give in. There are days when I don't feel like doing a damn thing. And there are days when I actually DON'T do a damn thing. Sometimes I feel like I am just walking through the motions. Kind of like I am a robot. Like I am controlled by a computer generated software system instead of my own brain. And then there are the days that I have so many thoughts racing through my mind that I feel like my head is going to explode! 

Today, is one of those days that have been hard to cope with. I have not even been out of the hospital for 48 hours and I am already having hemoptysis again. (The whole reason I was admitted in the first place.) I feel angry and scared and just plain hopeless. I do not understand why I have been chosen for this challenge. I do not know why this obstacle has been placed before me, but I am going to push on. I am going to do my very best to overcome this and to do it with a smile on my face. It will be hard and I will struggle with it, but I am NOT going to give up.