These Four Walls

Lately, I feel like I am living inside the same four walls. The walls are gray, they are hospital walls. Decorated with pictures from the ones I treasure most... My little sisters. The pictures make it seem like the walls are not closing in as fast. Bright colors of pink and orange and blue surround me and take me back to my adolescent years. A time when I wished I was "all-grown-up," but now that I am growing up it seems like it is going too fast. These are the times I look at my little sisters and wish I could go back. Back to innocence, when the only worry in the world was whether or not someone was going to take my favorite toy. 

Growing is fun, but when you have Cystic Fibrosis it is also very scary because as you get older, you become sicker... Lung function starts to decrease, organs start to fail, and spirits start to dwindle. You try so hard to keep up with everyday life and you want so much to be "normal," but when you try to do these things, sometimes, you forget how important it is to still take care of your health. CF does not give vacations and it does not take breaks. It is a constant struggle to stay healthy. 

Not Your Average Junkie...

I am sitting here at home craving one thing most people don't even give a single thought to most of their lives. I'm craving oxygen. While most of you live your entire life breathing with ease, I struggle for every breath. And accompanying every short, choppy, O2 deficient breath is a pain you could never imagine. Sure there's the physical kind, but I'm talking about the deeper kind... The mental kind. It's a kind of pain that is not thought about often by people who don't have some kind of terminal illness or know somebody with one. The pain of realizing one day I will leave behind my family and friends. The pain of knowing that time could come at any moment. And that moment is one that will come way too soon. It is a deep hurt. One that is terrifying. I am not terrified for myself, but for everyone I will leave behind. For my parents... the thought that they may one day be the ones to bury their child. For my siblings... knowing I will not be there to celebrate their next birthday. For my friends... hoping they will always remember how much I cared about putting a smile on their faces. 

This pain is sometimes very hard to cope with. And it may be misinterpreted as anger or "bitchiness" or sadness. I may seem distant or rude at times without realizing it. When in all reality I would usually do ANYTHING to make someone else smile. I feel like I have not been myself lately. I have been seemingly distant, crabby, and angry. There are times when the only thing I feel like doing is crying. I try not to let it get me down, but when I work so hard at trying to keep my health stable and all I do is decline I come to a point were I just feel like I want to give up and give in. There are days when I don't feel like doing a damn thing. And there are days when I actually DON'T do a damn thing. Sometimes I feel like I am just walking through the motions. Kind of like I am a robot. Like I am controlled by a computer generated software system instead of my own brain. And then there are the days that I have so many thoughts racing through my mind that I feel like my head is going to explode! 

Today, is one of those days that have been hard to cope with. I have not even been out of the hospital for 48 hours and I am already having hemoptysis again. (The whole reason I was admitted in the first place.) I feel angry and scared and just plain hopeless. I do not understand why I have been chosen for this challenge. I do not know why this obstacle has been placed before me, but I am going to push on. I am going to do my very best to overcome this and to do it with a smile on my face. It will be hard and I will struggle with it, but I am NOT going to give up.